boys (only slightly edited :P )

idk


I came to the realisation a while ago that I've come to rely far too much on convenient lies
I realised just how often I lie, and I don't even notice most of the time
I only notice after I've said it, and its too complicated to explain it any differently
So I just let the lie stand

But... I don't want to do that
I don't want to have lies as part of my everyday life

I don't want to have to rely on untruths

Its not that the lies are particularly bad, they're inconsequential pieces of nothing most of the time
They cant do any harm and I cant logically be 'caught out' by them
They're just simple little lies that pop up in normal conversation all the time
I bet almost everyone says them
And they don't even notice

I didn't, not for a long, long time
But then when I did notice I started to get frustrated at it
Mostly because it was something I was doing without thinking about it
So I couldn't easily prevent myself from doing it

Now I force myself to think about it very carefully before I say anything in relation to a certain simple question


I realise that this blog has become rather convoluted and I doubt you can make any sense of it at the moment
So I shall provide you with an example:
One such simple little question that we all lie in reply to, even if we don't realise most of the time is the question "how are you?" or "how have you been?"
Now most peoples automatic response (I know mine was) is "fine" or "good"
But in my case that wasn't/isn't always true
I'm not always feeling 'fine' and I'm certainly not always feeling 'good'
But it has always been a nice, convenient response that doesn't require thought or 'effort'
But...
I became annoyed when I realised how often I was saying it when it was a complete and utter lie, when I wasn't fine at all but I just...

Coz after I said I was fine/good most people accept it at face value, because its just easier for us to do that
But at times I really would have liked someone to look past my answer and see my real feelings

Not that I would have appreciated it at the time probably

Because the thing is, looking back I can see that it became a programmed response, at some stage I was trying to hide my feelings from the world (I do that a lot) and I just continued doing it even when I wanted to talk about my feelings, I had learnt to hide them automatically

In a way that's what this post is about (don't worry about the heading, I'll get around to discussing that eventually), its about the fact that I tend to hide my feelings more as a habit then anything else
Because (like most teenagers (yes I know its stereotypical (yes I know I have far too many brackets here :P))) I went through a time where I barely knew my own feelings (still not over that :P) but I ...
I've always been shy, and I guess it partly stems from that. But I was always the ... (odd one out/ outcast) that's not quite right
I never seemed to fit in at high school (or primary school for that matter), well, I didn't feel that I did anyway, so I isolated myself

Damn. I don't want to go into my schooling years (far too long) suffice to say that I didn't feel like I belonged so I learnt to keep mainly to my own company (although I did hang out with a group of guys) and I also learnt to hide my feelings from everyone around me

I think I was/am quite good at it to, too good maybe. And I mean that.

(Unfortunately, part of my method of hiding my feelings is to stare blankly at the other person, which does tend to disconcert people. lol)


Anyways...
Back to that fact that even now, when I'm feeling so much more comfortable with myself (I have a certain person to thank for that but I'll get around to that topic in a minute) I still cant seem to drop the barriers I've erected around myself
As one of my friends pointed out to me today, I've stopped being so camera shy (lol, he only realised coz... nvm, moving on...)
I assume that's a sign of greater self confidence (although honestly guys, I could do without quite so many photos on facebook :P )

I am trying to be more open, really i am
But its still hard for me

And I'm still (and probably always will be) terrible at getting my feelings/thoughts across

For me, that automatic response to the simple question of "how are you?" is a constant reminder of my protective shields that I cant seem to let down
It gets on my nerves that's all

And that's why, if you notice me hesitating after having been asked that question (or one like it) just know that I'm not coming up with a lie, I'm actually thinking of the TRUTH.



Even though I may have needed those shields in the past, now when I answer, truthfully, I tend to answer with 'actually, I'm pretty good'
And I am
I feel so much better about myself these days
And I know of one person in particular who's causing it :)

Yeah, I know that increased age/maturity/responsibility i.e. Going to uni, does have a bit to do with it
But trust me when I say, I can tell the extent of how that's affecting me
And its nowhere near powerful enough to have this effect on me

No, this newfound happiness, contentedness, confidence etc
That's all due to one very special person :)


And this is the point where my post finally links back to the title 'boys'
Because this special person,
This amazing, wonderful guy
This boy who's making me believe in myself
Who makes me feel happy, and safe, and warm, and pretty

Well, he makes me feel all of that
And for me that's... I cant even begin to explain

I can only hope I have a similar effect on him (although I don't think I do)
Whoops, there goes the self-doubts again :)


I'm not very talented with words, so I haven't given this post the life it needs but...
I sorta just wanted to say 'thankyou'
With a little explanation along the way

:)
To my wonderful boyfriend (who I don't think realises how amazing he is)

<3




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edit

i only just realised that i had a completely irrelevant paragraph at the start of this post
coz this post was originally intended for my other blog...

i'm still surprised i posted it on here instead

regardless, thats the only editing i did :)

uni

well, while i honestly enjoy learning the material i am
the way in which its delivered
combined with the lack of attention i'm giving most of it
is making it quite difficult to actually learn properly

although i had planned to change my habits from school so that i would actually pay attention and study whilst at uni
i've somehow managed to fall into even worse habits then before

i dont always pay attention in lectures, and i almost never do any work at home

the fact that i got my uni text books at the end of week six only alleviates part of the blame
i should have tried harder

i should be trying harder right now


but it all seems far too difficult

the life of a teenager

is it fun?

idk, I'm not a normal teenager

is it productive

no, not really.
its considered cool to be constantly bored
but ...

for us, for teenagers, its our best chance to go anywhere in life
for older people who didn't have the opportunities we have, they have the chance to go farther now because they didn't have our choices back then

but for us... we wont be given other chances
or at least not often and not easily

we have to use this time to do the best we can

but there's a reason the social scene has so big a call
and is not just the 'popularity'

while we're in our mid to late teens is the only time for us to learn vital social skills, to have the 'fun' that we cant actually handle later in life
i don't mean anything dirty, what i mean is the all night poolka nights with plenty of alcohol all round (except for those of us who don't drink and are left to watch helplessly as everyone else gets incredibly drunk, starts throwing up or sobbing uncontrollably)

but still, it has its moments :)