its times like these...

That I remember why I actually like having friends.

Those times that I start to go into one of my ‘moods’ and begin to shut myself off from the world around me, I’m not being particularly rational when I do that, but I still do. I don’t always know what has set me off, although I can usually guess. This time I to sorta know what happened to start me on my downwards spiral, and it has ... (I was going to say ‘everything’ but that’s not quite right) almost everything to do with school.
It’s my own fault, I know that... that’s part of what set me off, the disgust, the frustration, the... idk, I can’t explain all of my emotions but... that’s basically it. Just being annoyed at myself (although being annoyed at someone else can cause it too) is enough to convince me to ‘cut myself off’ from those around me. Not that it’s a conscious rational thought; it’s just my ‘habit’/reflex/strangeness etc. I pretty much start to do it automatically, and most of the time even when I realise, I just find it too hard to pull myself out of it, I just let the mood swing around till I feel better and feel like I can begin to interact with other people again.
anyway...

My point was... it was nice to talk to you, we don’t talk very often, and when we do, we don’t talk about much. But it’s still nice to talk, even over msn.
I don’t think that u actually realised that u helped, I don’t think that u realised I needed help, but nonetheless u did help. I don’t think u could have realised, although my responses at the start of the convo may have been a little tired sounding, although that was also because I was(and still am)tired. But, yeh... it was good to smile, even to laugh (although quietly and under my breath because I was in a library after all), good for my mood and ultimately good for me.
All I needed was a quiet, easy convo with a friend to make me feel better. For now anyway, the underlying cause of my bad mood is still there so the mood will no doubt return, but anyway, I have a little respite, and now I know for sure it’s coming, I may be able to organise things a little better. you've given me a respite i didn't expect.

i was angry when i wrote this...

I wanted to have finished both King Lear assignments that are due tomorrow by tonight, and I think I could have if...
Well anyway...
I’ve managed to finish the creative piece (in just a few hours actually), it doesn’t actually have much of a storyline and I would love some more time to rework it, but I don’t have that time coz I left it to the last minute, typical. But I have no clue what I’m trying to write for the essay, no idea at all.
And well... this week hasn’t been particularly good for me/to me. Not that there’s much I can do about that. Damn emotions that keep seesawing up and down, just as I manage to cheer myself up, convince myself I can maybe make it, something else goes wrong and my mood plummets again.
Hmmm I haven’t been on a seesaw in years...
(Have I mentioned my short attention span?)
It’s far too late at night for me to be trying to write anything, I think I’m just gunna give up and try to hide from Lovell for tomorrow till I can finish the essay (both of them technically).
So yet another epically late night for me, no wonder I can’t function during class (my brain doesn’t work on less than 9 hours sleep per night).
Yay!! Friday
Wait, me still being awake = bad
Meh.
Goodnight (good morning technically but... that doesn’t quite make sense)

:/

And he wonders why I wish to move interstate as soon as possible.

time... i have too much of it, thats the problem

I love seeing them play, honest I do.
It’s only later when the ‘could have beens’ start going through my head that I get sad. My fault, not theirs.














Nothing to do

How much longer?
5 hours
Too long








3 hours












She thinks I hate her, I know she does, I can see it on her face.
But I don’t, honest I don’t.
I hate myself for hurting her, but I can’t help the stray thoughts that she sees cross my face.
I get ... not angry but frustrated, not at her but at the situation, and I get angry at myself.
At the things I can’t change.

And of course I think of what ‘might have been’, who doesn’t?
But when I’m in my sane frame of mind, I know, I wouldn’t change a thing. So much worse could have happened. I’ll take the hardships as they come, rather than the grief that could have occurred.
Those ‘could haves’ frighten me much more then the ‘might haves’ bring me solace.
(That is really shit wording, damn my literary incompetence)

well... we'll see

the course i most want to get into is bachelor of medicine/bachelor of surgey at the uni nsw kensington campus, the typical duration is 6 years!!



second preference is adelaide medicine/surgery (or equivelant)



third is flinders medicine (as above)



fourth preference is uni nsw Bachelor of education(junior primary/primary)/Bachelor of Science

fifth is adelaide education

sixth is flinders education

havent put it on the website yet

gunna go to the open days first

meh...

stress

Forget the stress of school life, forget the fact that I just discovered I can’t get into any of the uni courses I wanted and that I ... well forget all that

The most stressful moment I’ve had all year happened today (Monday 3rd August) as dad was driving us from the library to home.
I can’t articulate my feelings properly at the moment
I’ll try to come back to this later and write more



Well... stress isn’t really the best word; just forget all the shit I was rambling about before. I was trying to force the words to come but they weren’t so it didn’t make any sense.
Let’s try to list all my current grievances:
1) School, obviously, I’m pretty sure it’s at the front of every year 12’s mind at the moment.
a. Subjects, I’m not keeping up with the workload, at all really, I’m well... not really. I was gunna say I’m trying but... not hard enough obviously.
b. Grades, we got our first semester reports, a while ago now but still recently. I thought it would be decent, but... I can’t really complain, I know a couple of people who got way worse. But it’s still nowhere near good enough.
c. UMAT, it was bound to come up wasn’t it? I have no idea how I went in it. The whole doing the best one can and not knowing till the results come back.
d. University, yeh... looking at all the course guides, getting steadily more freaked out as i realise just how unlikely it will be for me to get into any of the courses i want.
2) home, yeh lot of stuff. not gunna list it all
3) future, namely mine.

This feeling disgusts me.
Every time I feel it, I...
I can’t seem to help it.
But I’m just making excuses, aren’t I?