wtf life

Seriously give me a break. It's been non-stop for weeks now and my to-do list is only getting longer. With all these emergencies popping up how am i meant to get anything done?

And then floods?

Everything.

Just crazy.

Too much to figure out at once.

Nothing is simple.

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So, before this all went down I was managing to do all the children's stuff. Everyone had their own activities and everything was organised and busy but calm and flowed nicely.  I was calm, I was even happy. Feeling like I'd made progress with myself and my organising skills (at least in regards to the children's learning).

But now, wow, everything is so chaotic. Something going on everyday. So much stuff I'm trying to organise. I'm feeling really stressed again. But like always when doing things for my brother, it doesn't matter how much work I put in, how much time, how much I advocate for him; in the end the brunt of the work and decisions need to be made by him, for him.  And that is stressful for me. I used to think it was just teenage laziness holding him back, now it might be much more. Now he's apparently in recovery but... There are so many symptoms still present it's hard to believe he's expected to function as normal when he currently isn't.

It's difficult. I can talk to him now and he can seem completely fine until... he starts talking about something completely random and nonsensical. And it's probably just leftover symptoms that will fade but what if it's not? What if he's always been like this? What if this is how he is now? When I remember back I can think of times he talked similarly but I thought it was just pretend, make believe, imagination. What if it wasn't? What if he always thought it was real?

When it rains...

It pours.

So what to say? How much to say?
My brother has had a mental health episode. It seemed very sudden and shocking. Not a huge amount of information available right now. He has been admitted to a short term facility and they currently believe it is an acute episode and they hope for a full recovery within a reasonable time period. The cause is currently unknown, tests are ongoing. It has only just happened a few days ago so the recovery depends on the cause and could be anywhere from a week to several months.
I'm not sure what I feel right now, worried, guilty, anxious, confused. There's so much unknown right now.
He came to my house on Saturday evening and he was very disturbed and confusing, I thought he just needed sleep. I sent him off to Dads house, Dad kept him there for most of the next day before deciding he wasn't improving and calling the police and ambulance etc. He spent one night cuffed and sedated in the local hospitals emergency department before being transferred to a different hospital that has a specialised mental health unit. He is now on some sort of medication while confined to the ward while they wait for him to calm.
There were/are also personal things happening outside of this situation that still involve him but don't relate to the episode. They are still very serious in nature and now I have to deal with them while he is unable to.

-Raur

Everything is fine!

title from an internet video by Loading Ready Run.

I'm not really sure what to write. Also it's hard to write properly on a phone,  even one with a qwerty keypad.

uh so. .. life is a thing.

Rent is annoying. I would really like to use that money elsewhere. But it's worth it to have our own house/space.

Except housework is also annoying. Like seriously I just washed those and now they're dirty again, sigh.

Children, they certainly contribute to the aforementioned mess. Did you know it's quite annoying to be constantly cleaning rice off the floor? Especially when the dining table is on carpet. Letting it dry and then vacuuming it is easiest but seriously kid stop shoving handfuls of rice into your mouth while watching t.v. Also stop eating on the couch! Just because I'm in the kitchen doesn't mean my rules don't apply! (btw the child in question is 2 so... mess is expected)

It's also quite difficult to work with one child individually because it doesn't matter what you've given the other one to do they still need to be right with you watching/interfering with what you're doing with his brother. My best chance to work with the 4 year old is when the 2 year old is napping but that doesn't always happen and sometimes I get stuck with Lobster(2) in bed because he cries if I try to leave (even if he's already asleep). It's even harder getting time with Lobster because if I give Turtle(4) something to occupy him then Lobster doesn't care what I'm trying to do with him he just wants to do what his brother's doing. It's not usually a huge issue, in general working with them both is fine. It's just occasionally I'd like to focus on something in particular that the other one doesn't need or can't do yet.

I believe it's fairly normal for parents to fear they aren't doing enough for/with their children and are failing their children in some way. It's certainly something I struggle with quite often. Turns out though that having your partner tell you they don't believe you can handle raising the children is something different entirely and can quite break your spirit.

Also turns out that getting told that right after hearing from the uni that they've looked at your results and are kicking you out of your course and you're not allowed to re-enrol for the  semester or year and when you do re-enrol it will be under special conditions (there is obviously a massive story behind all that which i won't be going into right now). Turns out it can really f**k you around getting told that literally no-one thinks you can adult successfully.

so yeah

Everything is fine.. sort of.