long overdue post

about formal and valedictory etc





i'm really...





idk







at the moment i'm fine





the worst may be over...





i dont know







i dont think it will be over until i actually get accepted to a uni





he's reacting even worse then i thought he would









*sigh*



(i'm sorry i'm only posting this now, i should have posted when i first wrote it but... i thought i had and then didnt check, my bad :P )

TER

well...

i deserve it ...

i know i do


i also know it signals the final death to all of my dreams


well to half of my dreams anyway...



i may still get into a teaching course.... may...



but even so...


i should have tried harder...


i should have done... something



and now i can do no more...

my parents are gunna kill me...

if i dont kill myself first


its a hopeless score


hopeless individual scores and a hopeless TER


gunna eat myself


why did i have to look at the website now??

now i have to go down to the shops and try to act happy

whilst also trying to think of a christmas present i want dad to buy me


dads gunna ask me what score i got and i really dont want to tell him

especially now, when we're out



well... i'd better go down there...

will post later

dont have time right now :D

do i know what to write about yet?

no

i dont...


meh

now it comes to the busy week

everything is on this week

mon: valedictory
tues: interview at Adelaide uni
wed: preparation for formal
thur: formal
fri (early morn): formal after party
fri (rest of day): sleep
sat: sleep

that is my plan for the week

especially the two days of sleep :P

valedictory: everything i need is ready, i think?
i have nice cloths for it
thats all i need right?

interview: i think i have everything ready
nice cloths (without logo's)
paperwork i.e. letter(actually email but watev), and declaration thingo
passport sized photo (this was the most difficult to get. coz i dont actually have any recent photos that size, so i'm using the photos from yr 11 coz that was the last time i got one of the photo packages for class photos)

formal: except for my quandary about my hair, i'm all set
i have the dress, the shoes, the bag and the makeup
i know how i'm getting there and half know how i'm getting back
the only thing i dont know is whether or not i want to fork out 50-75 dollars on getting my hair professionally done
i can put it up myself if i need, but its not going to be as well done as a hairdresser could do it
but even if a hair dresser does it, its still not gunna stay up for the whole fiveish hours
coz my hair just doesnt do that
idk i dont think i can be bothered getting an appointment and getting there at this late stage
so i think i'll just do it myself
i have just as much chance of getting it to stay up as someone else does, coz i know my own hair
it just doesnt like staying in any sort of arranged style

formal after party: i know what i want to wear
i dont quite know how i'm getting there or from there home but...
its close enough to organised from my point of veiw :P

to post or not to post

just coz it ran thru my mind at the time...




i don't actually have anything to post about atm

or rather... nothing that i can easily put into words


*sigh*





oh yeh!!

i finally found my formal dress!!
(this was a week ago btw)

its almost exactly what i wanted

its prettiful :D


yay for pretty dress!! :)


i is rather glad i finally found a dress i liked
coz i had half looked before exams but i hadn't found anything i liked

but then i went shopping last Thursday and i finally found a long red dress that mostly fit me

its still too long but that's easy to take care of

now i just need to figure out whether or not I'm going to get my hair professionally done or not
coz its impossible for me to do my hair myself
it refuses to stay up
so if i really want it in the style i'll have to go to a hairdressers to get it properly done

i shall need to decide :P

...

it doesnt feel real that schools over

well to be precise, it doesnt feel real that high schools over

school and learning shall still go on most likely


i suppose it'll sink in eventually

it just feels like holidays

sorta...

Creativity

1. 26= L in the A
2. 7= W of the W
3. 88= P K
4. 9= P in the S S
5. 1001= A N
6. 18= H on a G C
7. 54= C in a P (with J’s)
8. 12= S of the Z
9. 32= D F at which W F
10. 13= S on the A F
11. 90= D in a R A
12. 200= P (or D) for P G in M
13. 3= D M (S H T R)
14. 10= P M R in D S
15. 101= D
16. 57= H V
17. 40= D and N of the G F
18. 11= P in a C T
19. 29= D in F in a L Y
20. 6= P for a G in F

Actual Newspaper Ads

· Illiterate? Write today for free help.
· Auto-repair service. Try else, you’ll never go anywhere again.
· Experienced mum will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
· Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
· Stock up and save. Limit one per customer.
· Semi-annual after Christmas sale!
· Three year old teacher needed for preschool.
· Mixing bowl designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
· Dinner specials. Turkey $5.95, chicken $4.95, children $2.50.
· For sale. Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
· Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
· King cleaners. We don’t tear clothing with machinery, we do it carefully by hand.
· Tired of cleaning yourself? Let us do it.

DAMN NET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'll get around to posting,
bear with me

i just have to have it already written when i get online, coz it takes me far too long to type it in while im on here

mhmm

:P

(crazy mood)


(also blank/scared/ idk mood)

and some brain teasers

Four men were in a boat on the lake. The boat turns over, and all four men sink to the bottom of the lake, yet not a single man got wet! Why?

What word can be written forward, backward or upside down, and can still be read from left to right?

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

How many times can you subtract the number five from twenty-five?

One word in this sentence is misspelled. What word is it?



(if u want the answers, ask me for them)

now a funny post to get rid of any lingering depression

Having Mum over for dinner

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Ben’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Bens Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mum’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’
About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, ‘ever since your mother came to dinner, i’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’
Ben said, ‘well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an email just to be sure.’ So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mum,
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Ben.

Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum.

Lesson of the day-
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

clarification

i never mean it when i say i'm gunna kill someone...



just saying





for one thing, i'm too easily distracted and my moods change too frequently for me to be angry for too long.

i am really angry about this one thing tho

its really bugging me even tho it shouldnt



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




moving on...

(or trying to at any rate)




YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got offered an interview at adelaide!!!!!
yayness

(i'm actually still quite scared tho coz my TER is gunna be pretty s***)


anyways, onto...
not as happy news
i didnt get offered an interveiw for UNSW, this could ba for one of two reasons:
1) they simply don't offer interstate stidents main round interviews co of the travel involved ('m rally hoping for this one)
2) my 'predicted TER' wasnt even good enough to be considered :(
the second ones scary coz on my written application was written 90, and thats probably actually quite a bit higher then what i'm actually gunna get :(

so... scared yet excited (have i mentioned how screwed up my emotions are?)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(btw, that funny doted line means change of topic, coz i can't be bothered writing seperate posts)


ummm, what was my last point?

oh yeh...

well

sorta my random depression/i feel like i'm getting left out of everything/i know it's my fault and its no use/it's all in my imagination

yeh...

anyways...

*sigh*

i can't explain without feeling like an idiot

if i was actually getting deliberatly ignored or something, i think i'd actually feel better. but its coz i'm more sorta... not even considered, or only as an afterthought

thats what 'hurts'

i have so many examples floating through my head right now...
but they all make me feel inferior, and stupid


not everyone does it, or... not all the time anyway

but... at some stage you've all done it

ignored me or talked across me or just made arrangments that i never know of


DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate it when my emotions go crazy

i'm stressed for exams and coz of uni and it makes me feel everything much more strongly then i usually would


and it's times like this, when i'm stressing about something and my emotions begin to get inthe way that i begin to think...

how much of what happened actually happened and how much of it have i made up to make myself feel better?

i remember some of what made me feel so alone, so adrift
but i can only clearly remember one example, and it's so stupid and childish. it cant have been all that happened, can it?

i told myself it was my decision, but was it?


i've never felt comfortable around any of you in the first place, thats why i'd left, so i thought

i've never belonged, i don't know why

maybe its my age, or my original shyness or ... i dont know!! my strangeness i guess



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lollipop? :/

hmm

almost a week since i posted...

not that that's particularly new for me, but after last weeks uberposting

etc...











if u havent really noticed by now, i dont actually know what to say,
earlier i did, but then the wireless network wasnt working so...

idk


idk anything anymore

i dont even know how i feel


numb?
is a good word i guess

although i think i'm deciding to be angry

if one draws a picture of a crime scene that shows the murder of the one ur 'angry' at, does that mean ur actually angry at them?

:P

i may or may not have posted everyday this week :P

lols

wednesday, 14th october (a bit later)

random mood swings are not particularly helpful

i went from joyously happy to angry and upset within a few mins



:(

Wednesday, 14 October 2009 9:17 AM

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼

(is giggling and bouncing in excitement)
How does one put ‘excitement’ into words?

Regardless…
:D

I is very happy

A dream is resurrected.

Or half a dream anyway

The TER is still lacking atm

Anyways… i just have to try the best i can for it

(so i keep getting told anyway)

:)

Lah lah lah

Happy thoughts :D

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

I had all the stuff I wanted to say right at the front of my mind just before, but now I’ve sat down to write it it’s all gone out of my head.

I want to write soooo much but i can’t find the words…


:(

Maybe if i give it time i’ll find them

^o)

Monday, 12 October 2009 (night-time)

I’m sure I’ve complained about this before, but teachers should not have access to my home phone.

With Ms Lovell it was ok coz she rang and asked for me not my parents, but bloody *****‼ (I don’t particularly want to put names in) he rang and I picked up coz I was closest but he asked for my parents. A partial section of the conversation was “it’s my duty of care to speak to your parents; if I don’t tell them now that you’re in position to fail then they can come back later and complain that I didn’t warn them.” (He couldn’t even make up his mind whether it was ‘duty of care’ or his position he was worried about). Then there was: me “I would rather you didn’t” (tell my parents), his reply “yes I can understand that but I have to” (thus ‘understanding’ isn’t enough apparently, we all must follow the social rules and expectations). I’m incredibly ‘annoyed’ coz he rang in the first place but what I’m mostly ****ed off about is that although I specially asked him not to speak to my parents he demanded to. Yeh, he’ll find out pretty soon (i.e. tomorrow) just how much progress and cooperation that’s gotten him.

Yes okay, it’s all my fault coz I haven’t done enough work, I haven’t followed the draft deadline etc

I’m aware that I’ve gotten myself into this mess but I’m slowly digging my way out, if only the teachers would get off my back and let me‼

I know, I know, I know… I KNOW!!!!!

(I’m sorry, you didn’t need to ‘hear’ all that, I just needed to vent)

monday 12th october

now i've gotten over my mild panic attack...

idk school's finally getting to me :(

its my own fault i know that...






'dreams are just that'

Sunday, 11 October 2009 10:40:18 PM

Well…

It’s only half my fault I can’t finish my holiday homework.

(Okay, it’s not actually much of an excuse seeing what day it is but…)

My lightbulb appears to have had a mental breakdown.

It didn’t ‘blow’ (like they are wont to), it fell apart. Quite literally, and I didn’t even realise.
I went in to my room and went to turn on the light, but when I flicked the light there was a flash and then it went out. I just assumed it had blown and tried to finish my homework in the dark (not particularly easy when it’s a research assignment and I’m trying to read the books). But then, when I went to put my laptop on my bed so I was more comfortable, I saw this round glass thing lying on my bed. It was the glass part of the lightbulb! I’m lucky I didn’t sit on it. Somehow the glass had disconnected from the metal holder and fallen. When I got my torch and looked closer I realised that the end bit of the bulb is still stuck in the socket. I don’t know how to get it out, coz I normally hold the glass part to remove it…

But when I went to complain to dad he just said that he’ll have to ‘take apart’ the outside and remove the metal end?? Anyways, he said he’ll do that tomorrow. But we don’t actually have a lightbulb to replace it with. Next point on the list :P

Sunday, 11 October 2009

I am afraid.

...

i want to write

but i dont know what to write about

or how to write it





...














how annoying

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't want to brag coz i know some people aren't very impressed with their scores.

but i've been holding in my happiness for the past couple a days and i just want to express my joy (even if it is just in a little read blog post) :P

YAY!!!!!
overall score is 60
and percentage rank is 91!!
yayness


i couldnt believe it when i saw it! although u really can't tell how u did afterwards, i didn't expect to do so well!!

I'm just so pleased because...

i honestly don't expect to get a very good TER, u can say what u like but i know it isn't gunna happen.
so...

a good UMAT score is my chance to get noticed by the uni's

before they see my dodgy TER, they'll see my UMAT score, (and hopefully take notice), and then when the TER's come out...
well, at least ...

i'm not really sure it it'll help
but if they do interviews based on the UMAT before the TER's, i think i have a good chance

i hope so anyway.





(just btw, has anyone else noticed that the backup career for most people wanting to do medicine is teaching?) . . .

'breakdown' ... or not

its strange how the English critical essay has more or less taken over every ones life, to some extent.



or it seems to have at any rate.





well... this was going to be a post about how much i have come to hate the critical essay and everything involved in it, but i had to pause for a while and now I've come back to it i don't really feel like writing that anymore.



I'm having one of my 'reflective moods'.

thinking about the past...
i know exactly what set off this chain of thought, and yet...
i cant seem to stop it, or avoid it.

this feeling filling me now, the hopelessness i felt to change anything, the feelings that to some extent i still feel today...
that is the reason i try to avoid thoughts of my recent past, memories of my early childhood are fairly safe to think about, only slightly tinged with bitterness and fear, but the memories of the past couple of years are the hardest to bear.

one day, hopefully soon, I'll try again to alliterate just what the cause of my pain is. but there is something (another memory) that is holding me back, the last time i tried to tell someone in writing what had happened caused me still more pain when they never, ever spoke to me again. in some ways i hate her for that, she never even explained why she stopped talking to me.

Yeh yeh, I know

I’m well aware that this weekend, especially today (Monday) I was meant to devote entirely to homework. Most important is obviously the independent study for English (as Lovell would like us to believe) but I also said I’d catch up on my maths (I’m sorta a chapter behind most other people, I have been for a while and I’ve managed to do pretty well, especially considering I hadn’t done the last chapter at all I still managed to get a passable grade). Neither of which I’ve done, at all.

Which isn’t good, I know that...

Really I do...

Doesn’t make me do it though

I sorta have a good excuse... not really...but...

Well... Saturday I slept till after midday (I always do on Saturday), then we went shopping (to colonnades coz Rock managed to convince dad we needed to) and didn’t get back for ages. Sunday was rather obviously father’s day; I still slept till almost noon, twas about 11 when we all got up. Then I had to make porridge, which normally I don’t mind making, I’m normally pretty good at it, but this particular morning it just didn’t work, it sorta turned to glue and dad was not impressed. Anyways... after making another batch that did turn out properly (and vowing never to try another big batch again) the rest of the day ended up okay. Gave him the presents, cards etc, ate chocolate and chips, Rock and mum made a cheesecake and we ate that for dessert. We never did get around to washing the clothes, which didn’t trouble me, but it did make it a little difficult for the boys... anyway, then today... slept till ten ish, eventually got up and ate toast (coz its sorta not quite breakfast or lunch) then sue came to help mum, then at about two dad announced we were going to mount barker. And I got to drive (Yay!!) from the top of the hill, to Meadows and through it all the way to Echunga, then dad took over again coz we had to go along Old Mount Barker road and its all twisty turny and unmarked and narrow (it’s really only wide enough for 1 car but they still somehow fit), and of course Mt. Barker itself, lots of cars and roads I don’t know etc. And then I got to drive all the way back as well, we changed in Echunga again, and I drove all the way to Meadows, and through (I took the corner onto the Willunga road a little fast but I was still in control) and all the way along the road to Willunga again. I actually find it relatively easy to be truthful, I really only have to turn the wheel, and try to keep the damn thing below 80 (actual I think that’s the most difficult part, I don’t lift my foot at all (or press down) and the damn engine decides to rev (or stop revving) and so id low down/speed up, whenever I take my eye off the speedo for more than five seconds id find myself pushing 80 again ( I was trying to keep around 75 coz that’s safer (police radars are always wrong)) and id have to slow down) the fact that it’s actually a speed limit of 100 along there and so everyone was overtaking me was only slightly stressful coz no one was a bastard about it, it was pretty obvious (what with the signs and all) that I’m only a learner so they just waited till it was clear and went around, no trouble to anyone. And that whole trip took till about 5:00 so it was pretty much the entire day with me doing nothing again (although driving should count for something) and then... I can’t remember what happened next.

Jeez!!!!! I just bloody realized that its week 8!! Dammit where did the year go!!!!!

(And its actually midnight so i should stop writing a blog and bloody finish typing up this English essay so I can go to bed)

Got to go to school tomorrow today, dammit!!!!! Gunna be so damn tired, again. I’m losing so much sleep because of this damn English essay. I swear I’m this ’ ‘ close to just giving up on it and declaring myself finished with the entire damn thing.

(And there’s a damn mozzie flitting about my head trying to bloody bite me, damn annoying thing.)

Concise list of Lovell’s wishes:

1- Full draft of critical essay (soon)
2- See her on Friday lesson 4
3- Wants me to see ‘the piano’ show/movie/thing
4- Didn’t want me to do classics work on Tuesday
5- Wanted me to come watch piano on Tuesday
6- (wanted me to make an appointment to see her)
7- Told me I can’t pass English without IS essay
8- Told me it’s more important than other work
9- Told me to ignore classics and maths for English
10- (Didn’t mention King Lear essay (YAY!!))
11- Told me she wanted full draft if IS essay by tomorrow
12- Told me she wants all my notes
13- Everything word processed
14- Everything typed up (including previous drafts and current ones) by tomorrow morning
15- Wants me to email her everything (like now)
16- But I told her I cant till tomorrow (which is perfectly true)
17- Told me that my classics term essay, due on Friday, worth 10% of my overall grade, isn’t as important as getting her a draft of my IS essay
18- Told me I can’t do any classics until English is finished
19- For the next 10 days I can’t do any other subjects work but English
20- Said if I don’t send her typed documents by tomorrow and see her on Friday she’s not going to bother with me anymore, at all
21- She let slip I’m not the only one who didn’t make an appointment to see her, and that not everyone is going to be able to see her anyway (and I don’t think that I’m the only one who hasn’t given her a full draft)
22- She rang me at home, on my home phone; she must have looked it up on the school records coz I never wrote it on them stupid sheets she makes up to at the start of the year (I can’t even remember if we did them this year). She’s lucky she asked for me and spoke to me about it, not my dad, coz if she had... I wouldn’t do any work at all for her, if she tried to turn Dad against me (which she’s done once before), if she’d tried to interfere in my home life, tried to go behind my back... she would not have received the results she wanted.

its times like these...

That I remember why I actually like having friends.

Those times that I start to go into one of my ‘moods’ and begin to shut myself off from the world around me, I’m not being particularly rational when I do that, but I still do. I don’t always know what has set me off, although I can usually guess. This time I to sorta know what happened to start me on my downwards spiral, and it has ... (I was going to say ‘everything’ but that’s not quite right) almost everything to do with school.
It’s my own fault, I know that... that’s part of what set me off, the disgust, the frustration, the... idk, I can’t explain all of my emotions but... that’s basically it. Just being annoyed at myself (although being annoyed at someone else can cause it too) is enough to convince me to ‘cut myself off’ from those around me. Not that it’s a conscious rational thought; it’s just my ‘habit’/reflex/strangeness etc. I pretty much start to do it automatically, and most of the time even when I realise, I just find it too hard to pull myself out of it, I just let the mood swing around till I feel better and feel like I can begin to interact with other people again.
anyway...

My point was... it was nice to talk to you, we don’t talk very often, and when we do, we don’t talk about much. But it’s still nice to talk, even over msn.
I don’t think that u actually realised that u helped, I don’t think that u realised I needed help, but nonetheless u did help. I don’t think u could have realised, although my responses at the start of the convo may have been a little tired sounding, although that was also because I was(and still am)tired. But, yeh... it was good to smile, even to laugh (although quietly and under my breath because I was in a library after all), good for my mood and ultimately good for me.
All I needed was a quiet, easy convo with a friend to make me feel better. For now anyway, the underlying cause of my bad mood is still there so the mood will no doubt return, but anyway, I have a little respite, and now I know for sure it’s coming, I may be able to organise things a little better. you've given me a respite i didn't expect.

i was angry when i wrote this...

I wanted to have finished both King Lear assignments that are due tomorrow by tonight, and I think I could have if...
Well anyway...
I’ve managed to finish the creative piece (in just a few hours actually), it doesn’t actually have much of a storyline and I would love some more time to rework it, but I don’t have that time coz I left it to the last minute, typical. But I have no clue what I’m trying to write for the essay, no idea at all.
And well... this week hasn’t been particularly good for me/to me. Not that there’s much I can do about that. Damn emotions that keep seesawing up and down, just as I manage to cheer myself up, convince myself I can maybe make it, something else goes wrong and my mood plummets again.
Hmmm I haven’t been on a seesaw in years...
(Have I mentioned my short attention span?)
It’s far too late at night for me to be trying to write anything, I think I’m just gunna give up and try to hide from Lovell for tomorrow till I can finish the essay (both of them technically).
So yet another epically late night for me, no wonder I can’t function during class (my brain doesn’t work on less than 9 hours sleep per night).
Yay!! Friday
Wait, me still being awake = bad
Meh.
Goodnight (good morning technically but... that doesn’t quite make sense)

:/

And he wonders why I wish to move interstate as soon as possible.

time... i have too much of it, thats the problem

I love seeing them play, honest I do.
It’s only later when the ‘could have beens’ start going through my head that I get sad. My fault, not theirs.














Nothing to do

How much longer?
5 hours
Too long








3 hours












She thinks I hate her, I know she does, I can see it on her face.
But I don’t, honest I don’t.
I hate myself for hurting her, but I can’t help the stray thoughts that she sees cross my face.
I get ... not angry but frustrated, not at her but at the situation, and I get angry at myself.
At the things I can’t change.

And of course I think of what ‘might have been’, who doesn’t?
But when I’m in my sane frame of mind, I know, I wouldn’t change a thing. So much worse could have happened. I’ll take the hardships as they come, rather than the grief that could have occurred.
Those ‘could haves’ frighten me much more then the ‘might haves’ bring me solace.
(That is really shit wording, damn my literary incompetence)

well... we'll see

the course i most want to get into is bachelor of medicine/bachelor of surgey at the uni nsw kensington campus, the typical duration is 6 years!!



second preference is adelaide medicine/surgery (or equivelant)



third is flinders medicine (as above)



fourth preference is uni nsw Bachelor of education(junior primary/primary)/Bachelor of Science

fifth is adelaide education

sixth is flinders education

havent put it on the website yet

gunna go to the open days first

meh...

stress

Forget the stress of school life, forget the fact that I just discovered I can’t get into any of the uni courses I wanted and that I ... well forget all that

The most stressful moment I’ve had all year happened today (Monday 3rd August) as dad was driving us from the library to home.
I can’t articulate my feelings properly at the moment
I’ll try to come back to this later and write more



Well... stress isn’t really the best word; just forget all the shit I was rambling about before. I was trying to force the words to come but they weren’t so it didn’t make any sense.
Let’s try to list all my current grievances:
1) School, obviously, I’m pretty sure it’s at the front of every year 12’s mind at the moment.
a. Subjects, I’m not keeping up with the workload, at all really, I’m well... not really. I was gunna say I’m trying but... not hard enough obviously.
b. Grades, we got our first semester reports, a while ago now but still recently. I thought it would be decent, but... I can’t really complain, I know a couple of people who got way worse. But it’s still nowhere near good enough.
c. UMAT, it was bound to come up wasn’t it? I have no idea how I went in it. The whole doing the best one can and not knowing till the results come back.
d. University, yeh... looking at all the course guides, getting steadily more freaked out as i realise just how unlikely it will be for me to get into any of the courses i want.
2) home, yeh lot of stuff. not gunna list it all
3) future, namely mine.

This feeling disgusts me.
Every time I feel it, I...
I can’t seem to help it.
But I’m just making excuses, aren’t I?

UMAT

well, I've been gradually getting around to writing this.

haven't really been wanting to, i cant think of the right words

I've been being really 'blase'/ casual about how i did on the test

but i know in at least a couple of questions i had no clue therefore i most likely failed



section by section

how frickin annoying

well... first section, went way too slow to start off with, but i couldn't speed up without compromising actual effort

second section, it seemed so much easier in the practice exam. i sorta expected that but even so...

third section, by then my brain was literally fried, some of them i understood (or thought i did) but...

i sorta didn't take much in for the rest of the day

although now I'm marginally calmer i can remember the whole day (after leaving umat) perfectly clearly
i think that when dad picked me up he could see i was completely freaking (i now think he reads me a lot better then i usually realise) so we went back into the city coz mum wasn't finished till 3:00. dad and i went to the central markets, to the dining hall area coz it was about 1:00 by then (btw the eating hall is massive and it was incredibly crowded when we got there) we found this place that sells crepes as well as other foodstuffs and we ate there, dad said i could have a crepe after we'd eaten, but he forgot so i didn't get one :(
then we went wandering around and looked at random stuff around the place
i tried this strange food item, it was sorta like a donut, but not quite donut pastry, the pastry reminded me more of puff pastry but not so crumbly, gah! i cant explain it but it was really nice.


and yes you may have noticed that im talking more about what i did after the umat then what i felt during it, but i just cant explain it. thats why its taken me this long to write this, i was trying to wait till i was in a writing mode (coz i can only write in certain moods) but its taken this long for me to realise that i have been in a writing mood (hence my wish to write) but i just cant articulate my feelings at that point in time. the best way i can describe it is blankness, but thats not quite correct... anyway

First day back at school, oh the joy (sarcasm just by the way)
It has already killed me on the very first day
How annoying
:P

well ive officially failed physics, almost failed english (i probably would have broken down when i got the results if i hadnt known that noone got above a b-, and even they were rare), my maths wasnt particualrly brilliant but i can live with it (it not much worse then what others got so... meh)

but other then that...

i am plotting to kill several teachers, but enough of that :P

holiday 'fun'

Oh the excitement to be had in the holidays
Well... the holidays have been... yeh rather boring but... I’ve been trying to use them to rest up. Coz next term is gunna kill me, especially the first week when we get the results from our exams as well as the grades for the semester. If my semester grades aren’t good then Dads gunna murder me, and I think a teacher, maybe a couple are gunna kill me first day back if I didn’t do well on my midyears.
*sigh*
Anyways... besides that, lol, I’ve actually been trying to forget about school for the last couple of weeks to save myself from the stress of worrying over the exams. With mixed results, it hasn’t been that hard to forget about school since I’ve had no contact with anyone from school, but the occasional random thought about exams, or umat which is even more worrying, has been harder to ignore.
Can you believe that two weeks before the umat test, they send me an email, in the middle of the school holidays mind you, asking me to send in a letter from the school, on the school letterhead etc. to prove that I still attend school in year 12. Which isn’t an unreasonable request but to receive it in the middle of the holidays, and they want the reply by wed the 22nd which is in the first week of school btw
Gah!! Anyways... other than that random grrness... what was I talking about?
Ah right, forgetting school, yes... relatively easy. Too easy perhaps, coz I sorta have homework to do. A whole chapter of maths, I still have to finish the supporting materials for English (yeh I’m slow and lazy, I know), and that chem. thing, and that classics thing. Some of which I’ve done btw, I haven’t completely turned sloth for the holidays, hence the ‘mixed results’ in forgetting. meh left to the last minute once again, I’m hardly surprised.
*extra long sigh*
I went out today (Thursday 16th July), with Mum and Sue, to colonnades. They were looking for... I dunno stuff, and I wanted to look at dresses for formal. So I went off and did my stuff and they went and did theirs. I started at the big w end and walked all the way to the other end, looking in random clothes shops as they caught my attention. But I didn’t really find anything that interested me a great deal. I did find one dress that was very nice, it was made of cheesecloth material, floor length, light blue, it was nice, but not quite what I was looking for, so I didn’t bother to even take note of which of the many shops it was in. It wasn’t till I was at the opposite end of the centre that I finally found a decent shop, across from jb called ‘rose’ something, can’t quite recall that name but I know where it is so that’ll do. There were some great dresses in there, very much within what I’d accept, none the perfect image to what I’ve got in my mind, but a few close enough that I’d be happy with them.
See... at first I wanted a purple, a real deep purple, ankle to floor length, dress. But then I found out the decorations are gunna be purple and blue, I don’t particularly want to blend in with the background for this so I changed my mind and I’ve now decided I want a deep, blood red, sorta like scarlet, or garnet. And I haven’t managed to find any ankle to floor length dresses, id probably have to go to Marion or the city to look for them. But I’d be fairly happy if it was at least calf length, I wouldn’t want it to be any shorter, not at any time really but especially not for a formal event. And there were some fairly nice dresses that basically fit that description there, none of them were really the deep yet vivid red I want but they’d do. I tried on one particular dress, it was very nice, red, obviously, and it had wide shoulder straps, a ‘v’ neck, fake wraparound skirt that was joined on the side. I liked it a lot, but I managed to talk myself out of it coz ... well I’m not sure it’s exactly what I’ll want for formal in a few months time. I need to look around a bit more, as well as hear what the other girls have planned, not that it’ll influence me that much but I’d rather not look like a complete retard on that particular night. The dress was very nice, but it was more of a sophisticated ‘going out’ dress rather than an evening gown, which is what I sorta have pictured for my dress.
Well... I’ll find the right dress eventually; after all, it was only the first time I’ve properly looked for it.

Bah hah hah I’ve managed to successfully distract myself from thoughts of school in a couple of days. How amusing (not school, me distracting myself from it :P )
lols
anyways...
Enough from me for now :P

Hmm hmm hmm

Hmm hmm hmm
Had my last exam today
Yayness
No more school for ... well a couple of weeks is something
Sorta failed my exams though
But I’m determined not to worry about my exams or my term grade until AFTER the holidays
Yeh... determined
Like that’s gunna count for much
:P

But anyways...
I’m not gunna get to put this on the net till tomorrow at least, if then
Coz its 6:14 at night atm. I’m in my bedroom and well... I don’t have the access to the net, so I’ll have to wait till later. By later I mean tomorrow/next week sometime.
meh

I will eventually convince dad to get me: a computer mouse (this touchpad sorta abrades the tips of my fingers), and a prepaid internet usb thingy, he talks about a printer and scanner, but I have my priorities :P

So stoked to have just this though
Been waiting for so long, and then to suddenly have it. I don’t get excited over much these days, and when I do I don’t show it, but I really am excited about this in particular. Once again I’m not showing it all that much, but if someone was to look closely enough, it’s there.

Hmm hmm hmm (doing little dance of joy)

He he he
This hyperness is also because the stress over exams is over for the moment. I don’t have to worry about school for a whole two weeks. Yay!!

exam stress

You should never apply your own situations to other peoples. I know it’s hard because your own experiences are all we have to learn from. But just trying to wrap my head around the differences between two situations has given me a headache.

I’m going through difficulties atm. Everyone is coz of year 12. And mostly I’m ok about it, better than some others I think. But... some things are hard on me. Especially coz everything is loading up on me, that’s generally what happens with me. By itself everything is ok, but when it’s all put together, it’s just too much for me to bear. Right about now you’re probably saying to yourself that the same thing happens to everyone else as well and that I’m just complaining about nothing. And that may be true. I know that there is most likely people about there who have much more difficult situations than I do. But that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier for me to bear.

I don’t deal very well with stress. Although I’m sure it seems that I do. Shazz asked me at school this morning why i wasn’t stressing out about the exams. What she doesn’t realise is that i am stressing out, but in my own way. I almost never show stress. I hold it in and bottle it up, which i know isn’t healthy for me and is probably what is making me sick. But it’s just how I deal with it. Especially right now, with the exams, what would be the use of freaking out, or ‘breaking down’? Everyone else apparently is, but there are two reasons why I’m not: 1) its only midyear and I’m saving my panic for finals. 2) In a lot of ways I’ve already given up on my subjects.

Actually it was probably at the end of last year, when i had finished my year 12 subjects (talking mainly about biology here coz id already given up on psychology) and i realised that i hadn’t done any where near as well as id thought id been doing, and nowhere near as well as id needed to be doing. learning at the beginning of this year that noone had done very well at biology helped my pessemism a little but... i dont know if they were actually trying though or if they were just playing around.

YAYNESS!!!!!

i wasnt actually going to post about this coz it feels a little... idk showy off. but wat the heck. im excited about it therefore ill blog about it.



umm yeh
well...

on friday i sorta

well...
when i started writing this

basically, last friday i got a laptop and i is really excited about it but im trying not to show it too much (not that its that hard since noone looks). but yeh... im incredibly excited but i dont know how to say face to face that i got it. i dont know how to start such a convo. therefore the excitement shall stay here.
:P

YAY

lols
:P

arrogance

i never used to think that i was treated differently because of my age.
but recently it seems to me that people(as in people in my homegroup) have been treating me differently to how they used to. it could just be coz I'm seeing a lot more of them this year coz of the common room, but it feels like more than that.
and its only the girls that are treating me differently, the guys that i hung out with last year still treat me the same that they always have. i don't know... i cant even explain it properly. and its not like they're treating me badly or anything, its just different. maybe its just me and the moods I'm in. sometimes it seems like i get included more (although i think its usually just me including myself) but other times it seems like I'm getting subtly snubbed or laughed at behind my back (now i just sound crazy) but i cant explain it.
its just... in certain situations, its like you don't expect me to understand.
but I'm not stupid you know
and just coz I'm younger or coz i wasn't hanging out with you guys at the wall doesn't mean i don't understand innuendo
i do generally understand wat you mean in situations or wen ur using innuendo. i just don't always let on that i do. but even if i didn't there's no need to be so goddamn arrogant about the fact that you think ur smarter or better then me because of it.
this post is mainly coz of one particular incident that happened today, i wasn't really angry over it, but it did remind me of all the other times and allowed me to articulate this post.
it wasn't like it was something big or anything, it was just: the look as they said 'you dont get it do you?' in that voice. its the fact that they assume my ignorance of what they mean. that's the part i don't like, they're assumption of wat I'm like or at the very least of wat i know.it never fails to annoy me. i call it arrogance. you may disagree, but thats not really the point is it?

okay, ive had to edit this coz someone took it the wrong way. this post wasnt aimed at anyone, i was just trying to get a message across. apparantly i failed coz you got the wrong message, iys my fault coz im not very good at explaining myself. im going to add some more to this as i go, but at the moment i actually have a job to do so id better do that.

i know but...

i dont think i can change.



i try, really i do but... i cant

i have changed a little

but not noticebly






well... this was gunna be a hell of a lot longer with a whole bunch of me rambling that prob would have turned to some random philosophicalness. (i dont care if that sentence doesnt make sense). but i left it too long to finish and now i cant remember what my point was, let alone write it in any legible format. therefore this will have to do :P

grrrr

the title is that way for many reasons
1) I'm getting sorta annoyed at this site, mainly coz of the whole awkwardness with people reading it, yeh backwards i know. anyways
2) I'm also annoyed at the site coz, well its takes up WAY too much of the limited amount of time i have on the computer
which leads me to
3) I'm annoyed at these damned timed computers!!! in my last couple of posts i have been referring to a certain post that i posted about how i was confused about stuff etc. but when i went back to look at it, it wasn't on my blog, coz it was still a draft, tho i could swear that i published it :( so i blame the computers, i think it must have kicked me off before the message sent.
anyways....
4) school sucks, this is my major point of contention atm. my English teacher is a bitch(and yes, i know if id actually done the work id have nothing to complain about, but she only gets so pissy at me, if its anyone else she doesn't get any where near as angry) stupid bloody one-sided grumble grumble grumble etc.(we only had to 'try' to hand up one out of two things, my poster is rather non-existent so i tried to finish my essay within one day, and almost succeeded, except i didn't have enough time to do a good copy of it. so i tried to be a good little student(when will i learn that that doesn't work) and went and saw her at the start of lunch to tell her it wasn't quite ready. so i was standing there with the draft in my hand saying i just hadn't done a good copy yet (the way she reacted you'd think id just told her i hadn't started yet) and she starts having a complete go at me coz I'm "not devoting appropriate time to English". and then had a bigger go at me when she tried to get me to do it during lunch an i told her i had to go to classics. she had another go at me about doing my classics instead of English. stupid bloody bitch) yeh, that's really the only teacher i can complain about, my English teachers a bitch, and my physics teachers a complete retard, quite literally I'm sure. my other teachers are fair good tho
5) school sucks even excluding the teachers. which obviously means that I'm the problem, and i am. i know i am. the main problem is the fact that i very rarely do homework, unless I'm in the common room, i seem to do quite a bit there. but what i mean is, i didn't do any homework AT HOME. which doesn't help me keep up in class much.
there were probably more reasons i was angry but after sitting here for an hour I've forgotten them all.
anyways, I'm running outa time again
umm... ill eventually get around to actually publishing that other post, eventually, if i can be bothered :P
YAY 4 day weekend!!!!!
the fact that I'm gonna have to spend half of it doing English homework isn't the point

just to clarify

my last post isnt actually the one i was gunna write there
i sorta talked myself outa writing it
plus i sorta ran outa time(damn comp)
but anyway...
i wasnt really sure if i should type it up to start with, its mainly coz i want to destroy the paper its written on that i thought of it in the first place
and the frame of mind i was in at the time i was thinking bout doing it, doesnt really convince me to do it now
its a conundrum
like i said before: i dont want people to know the real me, thats why i wear a mask, but at the same time, in a way im sorta waiting for someone to be able to see thru my mask and ... i dunno, just see me i guess.

gah
i confuse myself

im trying to say... i hide myself, for many reasons. but i also want to be seen, because not being seen makes me feel sorta ... depressed i guess. being invisible is great in some situations, im very good at avoiding things such as class orals, but being invisible around my friends, is actual sorta... hurtful.

and its trying to hide that used up all my reserves of energy, i just started to crack. which made me gets all emotional and weepy etc.
which is why i was gunna write up some of my incredibly depressed writings, coz i write best in that mood, not sure why.
ive tried writing down my thoughts whilst depressed, twice in fact, but, i think it actually made it worse, so im not going to try that again.
but im in more of a angry mood now, all the stuff that made me sad for the past week, now makes me angry. it is sorta better, not necessarily helpful, but ...

yeh...

i was gunna have three summative tests today, and possibly a summative oral. but one of the tests was postponed, and i managed to 'skill' my way out of the oral, until tomorrow, when im going to die, coz i havent actually done it yet... anyways, i think i sorta failed the math test, the classics one wasnt much better. and i have the chemistry test first thing tomorrow.

for the past three days, ive had this soury, acidy sorta feel in my stomach whenever im: on my way to school, at school, or thinking about school.
which hasnt been particularly helpful, and has made me feel pretty damn ill actually
i think i know wats been causing it as well, if im not careful, im gunna give myself stomach ulcers
coz im fair sure that what im feeling, im causing myself
im just not sure how to stop it
im fairly sure that stress and nerves coz of school have been the cause of my acidy stomach
the reality of year 12 workload has finally caught up with me
but im not sure how to help myself
its not like i can just... stop feeling nervous about my future or something
and i cant really 'keep up more' or anything
its just how it is

it finally hit me the other day that, what im doing now is going to effect the whole of my future, my dad doesnt seem to understand how anxious i am about it. he seems to take it as inevitable that i'll get into uni. i however am not as certain. im definitly not going to get into medicine, or probably even science, im not doing well enough in my subjects to get there. i wasnt even gunna do the UMAT test coz its not gunna help me if i dont get a high enough TER anyway. but dad said i should do it anyway, just to keep my options open, again with the enthusiasm.

anyways, im about to run outa time so id better stop

i dont think that this is a good idea

i dont think i should write the following blog, i dont see how it will make anything better, it may even make things worse
it seems so... melodramatic( i think thats how its spelt), its not ...
i dunno
if i didnt know that i had followers, if i didnt know that people i know were actually going to read this, then i wouldnt think twice about putting it up, but
when i know people actually read it, it starts getting complicated
i dont want people to worry about me, thats why im breaking down atm
coz ive been holding it all in for so long, when i dont have a release it all becomes bottled up until i either explode or fall apart
i seem to be falling apart atm
but, it shouldnt be all that bad, and i cant even really explain why its happening, there was nothing to set it off, there usually isnt...
so even when someone actually notices im cracking, i cant properly explain it to them, so they get frustrated and just leave me
again
noone has time for each other anymore

yeh i know its bad to post twice in one day but...

i rarely get a chance to post at all so im sorta making up for lost time

i was just reading somone elses blog and it made me think (they normally do)
just about... no im not gunna say it thatd be too obvious

other peoples blogs never help me understand tho, theyre too hidden in veiled references for me to understand. they only make me think about how such a thing would relate to me

which makes me feel a little weird...




OH i just thought of the word i was trying to remember in my last blog 'awkward'
it makes me feel really awkward knowing people are reading my posts
coz i never really intended them to be read by anyone other then me
as evidenced by my first post

i need to stop ending my posts saying ill write more later

especially coz i rarely get around to actually doing it



anyways...

gah i had a whole bunch of stuff in my head that i was gunna write about but now ive forgotten it all :(
i hate it when that happens

well...

i had three comments to 'moderate' just now, it makes me sorta i dunno, the best word i can think of is nervous
i felt the same when shazz said she had 'found' my blog
even tho in some cases im writing these with certain people in mind, theyre mostly just for me
and knowing that people are actually reading them makes me feel wierd,
theres a better word then nervous i just cant recall it at the moment

yeh... thats sorta the only thing i could think of to say/write, not that its not true, its just not very relevant

meh

just by the way

i just realised that the last post probably seemed a little random, and i guess it sorta was but...

well, its just that i was looking for that poemy thing for ages and then when id given up looking, i found it, funny how that seems to happen to me

but anyways... when i found it i wanted to write it somewhere so that i could find it again
and its also awesome so i wrote it here :P

it probably also had somthing to do with the fact that i was on this practically constantly for a week or so so i wrote lots of randomness on here

mhmm

now ive run outa stuff to write
or rather anything i want to write would take longer then the 5 mins that i currently have to write it in

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I most needed you most You would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

back to what i was saying

anyway, back to what i was originally talking about before i got distracted in my last post.

i don't know why dad decided to send me here

it was Thursday of the second to last week of school for term one and grandma(dads mum) had been visiting with us for a week, she was planning to return home the next day, Friday. Thursday at school was just an ordinary day of school, i went to my lessons (fell asleep during math but... anyway) and caught the bus home, just like normal. but then it started getting a little weird when dad picked me up from the bus stop, he suddenly announced that he'd decided to send me home with grandma instead of one of the boys(my brothers) because i am older and more experienced with travel.

now where was i... that's what i get for leaving this overnight, i completely forget what i was going to say.

ah yes...

i didn't know whether to believe him at first but as the evening wore on i came to see that he was serious, he organised with grandma to pick me up early the next morning and told me to pack my bag for a week or so away. i was still rather confuzzled but did what he said, i actually managed to remember to pack my copy of the odyssey and my maths DI, i even packed my English supporting studies for fly away peter (despite the fact that it was actually due on the Friday that i was travelling on). so I've managed to complete my odyssey essay and my maths DI, although i haven't managed to do any more of my English, not that it would help me.
anyway, so the next morning (Friday the 3rd April) grandma came and we left by about 8ish, dad had given me (verbal) directions on how to get through the city, which was nerve racking, but once we got through the city we just continued following the road all the way to broken hill, then onto cobar.
which is where i am now btw, Cobar, NSW.
although we left at 8ish we didn't get here till about 9 at night, hence about 13 hours travel. tiring and long and... sorta boring, not much to do in a car. and my legs got really stiff. but once we got here it was OK.
i cant be bothered writing anymore atm, I've lost my train of thought again. ill post more later about the rest of my trip.

hmm the strangeness of my life

i don't know why I'm here
and i don't mean the philosophical 'here' of this life
i mean my physical here right now at this moment
those of you who i go to school with may have noticed that i wasn't actually at school for the last week of school
some of you I've actually contacted and talked to since i randomly disappeared. but whether anyone else has noticed i disappeared i don't know

i guess, its sort of my paranoia over whether or not people actually notice me at school, i mean, the teachers probably would coz they're marking the role, but i always wonder whether or not my classmates who maybe aren't close friends but people who i know, but its hard to know coz if you have to ask whether or not someone noticed you were missing, then they would probably said that they had, whether or not it was true that they did.
yeh, that just got fairly long and confusing

anyway, i just saw a car drive past, which reminded me that I'm sorta, not quite expecting it to happen but waiting just the same, for one of my old 'friends' to show up here. since I've been here, the first question everyone asks is how I'm liking it here, and when i explain that i come from here they then ask whether I'm going to catch up with any of my old friends, but as i start to explain that since it was so long I'm not going to bother looking anyone up, my grandma jumps in and announces that I'm trying to find out if Ella Roberts still lives in town (when in actual fact i had no such plans and only mentioned her name to grandma coz she specially asked whether or not i still remembered anyone from here). from there Carolyn(one of grandmas friends) says that she thinks that they live in Harcourt street (which would make sense coz that's the address Ella last gave me), then everyone leaves and i think (foolishly) that everyone has forgotten about that idea, until Carolyn pops in one night, she and grandma start talking and i think nothing of the visit, but then, as she's leaving she announces that she happened to see jean(Ella's mum) down the street and told her to bring Ella around in the next few days!! DAMMIT!! just as id thought id got away without having what is undoubtedly going to be an awkward and most likely a quite angry conversation!! but she still hasn't shown up yet and its been a couple of days so hopefully shes not gunna appear. grandma is under the misapprehension that if Ella doesn't show I'm gunna be upset, but like i told her when she asked, i really couldn't care less whether or not she appeared (except maybe preferring that she wouldn't).

there is a reason behind me not particularly wanting to see her, its not just my strange unsociableness. but that's for another story, after I've explained some other stuff that's happened to me that led up to me becoming angry at Ella.

but there was actually going to be a different subject for this post, as evidenced by the first few lines, but then i got distracted. ain't that life tho? anyway i could go back to my original topic but i cant be bothered writing anymore atm so ill just publish this and write some more later.

official

well i guess ive now officially arrived at blogger
now that ive publicly started following staberfoyle park
and there are so little followers so its not like i could be overlooked
anyways, i was gunna write a longer blog but its 1.43 in the morning
and i have the worst pain atm
i tend to lose vast tracts of time without being aware of it
its now 1.57 in the morning and i am so tired coz i havent slept properly in the last few weeks (by properly i mean a semblance of normality that i can usually muster up).
if you use properly as meaning what your supposed to get in sleep with proper sleeping patterns then i havent been sleeping like that for a couple of years now
for me everything seems to go back a 'couple of years' but then, it really does all start there.
not that dwelling on it does me any good especially not at the moment
one more thing before i go tho: i honestly dont understand how people can stand to drink alcohol. i mean apart from the logical point that it is actually poisoning you. theres also the taste to be taken into consideration, honestly it tastes and smells like stale vinegar, not that i actually know what that tastes like, but it really cant be that far off it. actually i can tell why they call it spirits, which reminds me of somthing else its similar to, gasoline, if youve smelt that sharp burny scent of gasoline then that is exactly the same description of alcohol. but anyway now i really do have to try to sleep, tho whether im sticking with the couch or deciding to go with the bed, i havent decided yet. thats really dodgily worded. but im too tired to fix it, so ill just post and fix it later, much later.

random muses

its strange how I've practically always said i wouldn't bother with blogging but now I'm making two posts in two days
although the frequency so far is probably mainly coz i have access to a computer with the net and not much else to do except play comp games

I've heard or just assumed that most people use blogs as sorta a way to release wat they're feeling
tho i do know some people also use it as a way to communicate with peoples
i prob wont use it for the second way
altho if people r honest in blogs they can be a good way to learn more about people who generally don't let you in on wats happening in their lives

that's the reason i got this blog thing i guess
if i wanted to let someone know wat was happening in my life i could just show them the blogs instead of trying to explain it all out loud
coz sometimes i have trouble expressing myself in words and i tend to become excited and talk really fast and then all my words blur and jumble together and get really confusing, and then people don't understand wat i was trying to explain in the first place
which gets me frustrated so i don't try to explain again
so then they think i was just trying to get attention and that whatever i was trying to explain obviously cant be serious so they don't think about it anymore
also i can tend to downplay major elements in my life even to myself, sometimes i wont admit how much things have affected me
and other times i dwell for way too long on how relatively little day-to-day things have had such large impacts on how i do things or how i think about things
so i guess ill have to start making a list of some of the major things that have happened to me over the years that i think have affected who i am as a person

a couple of things in particular automatically jump to mind
but they're so important ill have to take a while to think about them and just how they've affected me before i write them up

that's enough for me to write for now, ill prob end up writing more later

first blog

i always said that i wouldnt have ablog coz i never write
but then i was reading somones blog one night
so i decided to make my own

but just like i knew would happen i now have nothing to write about now i have it
and noone is going to get to read it coz im never gunna make it public
allwell
i guess i can just write it for me
its probably better that way
although im never gunna get to write anything on it coz im never online
but i guess the times i do get to write on it it'll be worthwhile coz i'll (presumably) have more to write about then if i wrote on it all the time

but i'm still probably not gunna write much on it coz i can only write when im in certain moods and when im in those moods im usually not on a computer
i once did write a blog about my inability to write blogs
i found that rather amusing (being small minded and all)
but i managed to come across fairly legibly in it so i might go and find it and post it here

well i seem to have written enough to classify as a blog/post (watever)
so i'll finish this off and go back to being suprised about finding out new things
such as how taking a single moment to do somthing nice for somthing can affect their entire day or more
i was amazed to find out recently that a single comment i made caused someone to rethink what they thought of themselves
although i dont think they decided to believe me at least it got them thinking