just to clarify

my last post isnt actually the one i was gunna write there
i sorta talked myself outa writing it
plus i sorta ran outa time(damn comp)
but anyway...
i wasnt really sure if i should type it up to start with, its mainly coz i want to destroy the paper its written on that i thought of it in the first place
and the frame of mind i was in at the time i was thinking bout doing it, doesnt really convince me to do it now
its a conundrum
like i said before: i dont want people to know the real me, thats why i wear a mask, but at the same time, in a way im sorta waiting for someone to be able to see thru my mask and ... i dunno, just see me i guess.

gah
i confuse myself

im trying to say... i hide myself, for many reasons. but i also want to be seen, because not being seen makes me feel sorta ... depressed i guess. being invisible is great in some situations, im very good at avoiding things such as class orals, but being invisible around my friends, is actual sorta... hurtful.

and its trying to hide that used up all my reserves of energy, i just started to crack. which made me gets all emotional and weepy etc.
which is why i was gunna write up some of my incredibly depressed writings, coz i write best in that mood, not sure why.
ive tried writing down my thoughts whilst depressed, twice in fact, but, i think it actually made it worse, so im not going to try that again.
but im in more of a angry mood now, all the stuff that made me sad for the past week, now makes me angry. it is sorta better, not necessarily helpful, but ...

yeh...

i was gunna have three summative tests today, and possibly a summative oral. but one of the tests was postponed, and i managed to 'skill' my way out of the oral, until tomorrow, when im going to die, coz i havent actually done it yet... anyways, i think i sorta failed the math test, the classics one wasnt much better. and i have the chemistry test first thing tomorrow.

for the past three days, ive had this soury, acidy sorta feel in my stomach whenever im: on my way to school, at school, or thinking about school.
which hasnt been particularly helpful, and has made me feel pretty damn ill actually
i think i know wats been causing it as well, if im not careful, im gunna give myself stomach ulcers
coz im fair sure that what im feeling, im causing myself
im just not sure how to stop it
im fairly sure that stress and nerves coz of school have been the cause of my acidy stomach
the reality of year 12 workload has finally caught up with me
but im not sure how to help myself
its not like i can just... stop feeling nervous about my future or something
and i cant really 'keep up more' or anything
its just how it is

it finally hit me the other day that, what im doing now is going to effect the whole of my future, my dad doesnt seem to understand how anxious i am about it. he seems to take it as inevitable that i'll get into uni. i however am not as certain. im definitly not going to get into medicine, or probably even science, im not doing well enough in my subjects to get there. i wasnt even gunna do the UMAT test coz its not gunna help me if i dont get a high enough TER anyway. but dad said i should do it anyway, just to keep my options open, again with the enthusiasm.

anyways, im about to run outa time so id better stop