just to clarify

my last post isnt actually the one i was gunna write there
i sorta talked myself outa writing it
plus i sorta ran outa time(damn comp)
but anyway...
i wasnt really sure if i should type it up to start with, its mainly coz i want to destroy the paper its written on that i thought of it in the first place
and the frame of mind i was in at the time i was thinking bout doing it, doesnt really convince me to do it now
its a conundrum
like i said before: i dont want people to know the real me, thats why i wear a mask, but at the same time, in a way im sorta waiting for someone to be able to see thru my mask and ... i dunno, just see me i guess.

gah
i confuse myself

im trying to say... i hide myself, for many reasons. but i also want to be seen, because not being seen makes me feel sorta ... depressed i guess. being invisible is great in some situations, im very good at avoiding things such as class orals, but being invisible around my friends, is actual sorta... hurtful.

and its trying to hide that used up all my reserves of energy, i just started to crack. which made me gets all emotional and weepy etc.
which is why i was gunna write up some of my incredibly depressed writings, coz i write best in that mood, not sure why.
ive tried writing down my thoughts whilst depressed, twice in fact, but, i think it actually made it worse, so im not going to try that again.
but im in more of a angry mood now, all the stuff that made me sad for the past week, now makes me angry. it is sorta better, not necessarily helpful, but ...

yeh...

i was gunna have three summative tests today, and possibly a summative oral. but one of the tests was postponed, and i managed to 'skill' my way out of the oral, until tomorrow, when im going to die, coz i havent actually done it yet... anyways, i think i sorta failed the math test, the classics one wasnt much better. and i have the chemistry test first thing tomorrow.

for the past three days, ive had this soury, acidy sorta feel in my stomach whenever im: on my way to school, at school, or thinking about school.
which hasnt been particularly helpful, and has made me feel pretty damn ill actually
i think i know wats been causing it as well, if im not careful, im gunna give myself stomach ulcers
coz im fair sure that what im feeling, im causing myself
im just not sure how to stop it
im fairly sure that stress and nerves coz of school have been the cause of my acidy stomach
the reality of year 12 workload has finally caught up with me
but im not sure how to help myself
its not like i can just... stop feeling nervous about my future or something
and i cant really 'keep up more' or anything
its just how it is

it finally hit me the other day that, what im doing now is going to effect the whole of my future, my dad doesnt seem to understand how anxious i am about it. he seems to take it as inevitable that i'll get into uni. i however am not as certain. im definitly not going to get into medicine, or probably even science, im not doing well enough in my subjects to get there. i wasnt even gunna do the UMAT test coz its not gunna help me if i dont get a high enough TER anyway. but dad said i should do it anyway, just to keep my options open, again with the enthusiasm.

anyways, im about to run outa time so id better stop

i dont think that this is a good idea

i dont think i should write the following blog, i dont see how it will make anything better, it may even make things worse
it seems so... melodramatic( i think thats how its spelt), its not ...
i dunno
if i didnt know that i had followers, if i didnt know that people i know were actually going to read this, then i wouldnt think twice about putting it up, but
when i know people actually read it, it starts getting complicated
i dont want people to worry about me, thats why im breaking down atm
coz ive been holding it all in for so long, when i dont have a release it all becomes bottled up until i either explode or fall apart
i seem to be falling apart atm
but, it shouldnt be all that bad, and i cant even really explain why its happening, there was nothing to set it off, there usually isnt...
so even when someone actually notices im cracking, i cant properly explain it to them, so they get frustrated and just leave me
again
noone has time for each other anymore

yeh i know its bad to post twice in one day but...

i rarely get a chance to post at all so im sorta making up for lost time

i was just reading somone elses blog and it made me think (they normally do)
just about... no im not gunna say it thatd be too obvious

other peoples blogs never help me understand tho, theyre too hidden in veiled references for me to understand. they only make me think about how such a thing would relate to me

which makes me feel a little weird...




OH i just thought of the word i was trying to remember in my last blog 'awkward'
it makes me feel really awkward knowing people are reading my posts
coz i never really intended them to be read by anyone other then me
as evidenced by my first post

i need to stop ending my posts saying ill write more later

especially coz i rarely get around to actually doing it



anyways...

gah i had a whole bunch of stuff in my head that i was gunna write about but now ive forgotten it all :(
i hate it when that happens

well...

i had three comments to 'moderate' just now, it makes me sorta i dunno, the best word i can think of is nervous
i felt the same when shazz said she had 'found' my blog
even tho in some cases im writing these with certain people in mind, theyre mostly just for me
and knowing that people are actually reading them makes me feel wierd,
theres a better word then nervous i just cant recall it at the moment

yeh... thats sorta the only thing i could think of to say/write, not that its not true, its just not very relevant

meh

just by the way

i just realised that the last post probably seemed a little random, and i guess it sorta was but...

well, its just that i was looking for that poemy thing for ages and then when id given up looking, i found it, funny how that seems to happen to me

but anyways... when i found it i wanted to write it somewhere so that i could find it again
and its also awesome so i wrote it here :P

it probably also had somthing to do with the fact that i was on this practically constantly for a week or so so i wrote lots of randomness on here

mhmm

now ive run outa stuff to write
or rather anything i want to write would take longer then the 5 mins that i currently have to write it in