its strange how the English critical essay has more or less taken over every ones life, to some extent.
or it seems to have at any rate.
well... this was going to be a post about how much i have come to hate the critical essay and everything involved in it, but i had to pause for a while and now I've come back to it i don't really feel like writing that anymore.
I'm having one of my 'reflective moods'.
thinking about the past...
i know exactly what set off this chain of thought, and yet...
i cant seem to stop it, or avoid it.
this feeling filling me now, the hopelessness i felt to change anything, the feelings that to some extent i still feel today...
that is the reason i try to avoid thoughts of my recent past, memories of my early childhood are fairly safe to think about, only slightly tinged with bitterness and fear, but the memories of the past couple of years are the hardest to bear.
one day, hopefully soon, I'll try again to alliterate just what the cause of my pain is. but there is something (another memory) that is holding me back, the last time i tried to tell someone in writing what had happened caused me still more pain when they never, ever spoke to me again. in some ways i hate her for that, she never even explained why she stopped talking to me.
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Sometimes I find it incredibly hard to think about my past. Well, areas of it. I have reasons. Thoughts, emotions I felt... Some of that comes back at times. Then of course there's remembering the things I did. Not good. It's like, I know there's so many better things I could have done. It's hard to remember what it was like, and how I have and haven't changed, which also leads me to reflect on how I have to change. I'm conservative by nature. I lived through a bad experience. But it could have been so much worse had I not retained that logical side. I'm so thankful that I have that.
ReplyDeleteYeah, sorry, I'm rambling (as I do).
P.S. Do you think you could date your posts if they're not posted on the same day as they're written?
i can't really explain why i feel so... defensive about the past. it's just, the situation at the time, my age and therefore inability to do anything useful.
ReplyDeletei can't properly explain wihtout going in to an incredibly lengthy and confusing explaination.
(lol, go figure, explaining with an explaination. my vocabulary sucks)
and my posts are dated, sorta. it has mon the 14th up the top, thats the day i had the idea for it and happened to be on the internet at the time, i just didn't have the time, or mood to write it all out at the current moment.
but i do understand what you mean, i actually keep meaning to write in the dates, but i forget to.
i may remember, occasionally.
:P
I actually didn't notice that the date was even correct, lol. I only got the update yesterday. Yeah, coz you can set the time and date to whatever you want to, so I'm assuming that's what you did.
ReplyDeletewell... that particular post i was wanting to write and happened to be online so could start it, but i didnt have enough time to finish it, hence the topic changing partway through.
ReplyDelete