clarification

i never mean it when i say i'm gunna kill someone...



just saying





for one thing, i'm too easily distracted and my moods change too frequently for me to be angry for too long.

i am really angry about this one thing tho

its really bugging me even tho it shouldnt



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moving on...

(or trying to at any rate)




YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got offered an interview at adelaide!!!!!
yayness

(i'm actually still quite scared tho coz my TER is gunna be pretty s***)


anyways, onto...
not as happy news
i didnt get offered an interveiw for UNSW, this could ba for one of two reasons:
1) they simply don't offer interstate stidents main round interviews co of the travel involved ('m rally hoping for this one)
2) my 'predicted TER' wasnt even good enough to be considered :(
the second ones scary coz on my written application was written 90, and thats probably actually quite a bit higher then what i'm actually gunna get :(

so... scared yet excited (have i mentioned how screwed up my emotions are?)


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(btw, that funny doted line means change of topic, coz i can't be bothered writing seperate posts)


ummm, what was my last point?

oh yeh...

well

sorta my random depression/i feel like i'm getting left out of everything/i know it's my fault and its no use/it's all in my imagination

yeh...

anyways...

*sigh*

i can't explain without feeling like an idiot

if i was actually getting deliberatly ignored or something, i think i'd actually feel better. but its coz i'm more sorta... not even considered, or only as an afterthought

thats what 'hurts'

i have so many examples floating through my head right now...
but they all make me feel inferior, and stupid


not everyone does it, or... not all the time anyway

but... at some stage you've all done it

ignored me or talked across me or just made arrangments that i never know of


DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate it when my emotions go crazy

i'm stressed for exams and coz of uni and it makes me feel everything much more strongly then i usually would


and it's times like this, when i'm stressing about something and my emotions begin to get inthe way that i begin to think...

how much of what happened actually happened and how much of it have i made up to make myself feel better?

i remember some of what made me feel so alone, so adrift
but i can only clearly remember one example, and it's so stupid and childish. it cant have been all that happened, can it?

i told myself it was my decision, but was it?


i've never felt comfortable around any of you in the first place, thats why i'd left, so i thought

i've never belonged, i don't know why

maybe its my age, or my original shyness or ... i dont know!! my strangeness i guess



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lollipop? :/